PART 2 * * * EXCERPTED FROM ‘BREAKING ATTACHMENT STYLES’ BY CARDER STOUT, Ph.D., MFT * * * AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE: Another quarter of the world’s population falls into the category of Avoidant Attachment. These people often seem indifferent and unaffected by even the most turbulent of relationships. They keep their emotions closed off and don’t engage too deeply in love. It feels unsafe for Avoidants to show who they are; they’re often dealing with self-doubt and uncertainty. They busy themselves with a wide array of useless tasks in order to place distance between themselves and others. They are often workaholics who have little time to socialize with friends, and they even have a tendency to neglect their spouses and children. Avoidants are masters of self-soothing, which often leads to reliance on unhealthy obsessive patterns around substances, exercise, and food. PEOPLE WHO ARE AVOIDANT MAY YEARN FOR A LOVING CONNECTION, BUT FIND THEMSELVES RUNNING FROM SCENARIOS WHERE THEY ARE ASKED TO COMMIT – THEY CANNOT THROW CAUTION TO THE WIND, AND THEY STRUGGLE WITH SPONTANEITY EVEN WHEN THEY SEE THE VALUE IN IT. You may have tried to date someone with this type of personality only to be consistently frustrated by their inability to show up emotionally. In the face of real intimacy, they become uncomfortable and tend to slip away when things get serious. Avoidants are encased by an unconscious fear that they will be abandoned and rejected and therefore they do not allow themselves to get too close. Unfortunately, this can lead to loneliness, a sense of disconnection, and pessimism. SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE: And then there are the Secure types, where most of us fall. THOSE WHO ARE SECURELY ATTACHED FIND THE JOY IN FRIENDSHIPS AND INTIMATE PARTNERS, AND ARE NOT AFRAID TO LET IT ALL HANG OUT. They have a balanced and healthy ego - for the most part - and believe in themselves and the vitality of companionship. They seek partners who are also healthy and have a low, well-balanced center of gravity, which allows them to take risks without the fear of failure. Secures are willing to brush themselves off after a spill and are not discouraged in the face of hardships. They enjoy rolling up their sleeves and seeking viable solutions for the complex problems that challenge their everyday life. They have the ability to speak up for themselves instead of internalizing resentments or discomfort. They are usually willing to listen to reason and are not threatened by points of view that juxtapose their own. Those who are Securely attached find the joy in friendships and intimate partners and are not afraid to let it all hang out. When a Securely attached person is paired with an Anxious or Avoidantly attached person, he/she can tell right away that something is amiss. This does not mean that relationships do not exist between these groups, but if they do, they are often short-lived and unfulfilled. Securely attached people sometimes have a blind spot that prevents them from understanding what people with insecure attachments are coping with. It can be hard for them to fathom the cognitive intensity that dominates the minds of the other groups simply because it does not make sense to them. They are the fortunate ones who had parents who showed the correct amount of love for them. This is the primary difference: Avoidants and Anxious types did not receive what they needed to feel fully safe. * * * (Carder Stout, Ph.D., MFT is a Los Angeles–based depth Psychologist and Therapist with a private practice in Brentwood, California). * * * GOOP.COM