* * * EXCERPTED FROM ‘BREAKING ATTACHMENT STYLES’ BY CARDER STOUT, Ph.D., MFT * * * You may have been single for some time and wonder why. Or you may be a serial dater who enters relationships, falling hard in the first few months - only to cool down and lose interest. You may yearn for love, but find yourself staying home binge-watching Game of Thrones. You may have found the perfect partner, but get so in your head that it’s impossible to enjoy dinner with them. Perhaps you have been in a long-term relationship but feel unfulfilled, and no matter what they do, you can’t seem to trust your partner. If any of these scenarios apply to you, you may be mimicking feelings that were established when you were in diapers. MANY OF THE FEARS, BELIEFS, AND BEHAVIORAL PATTERNS YOU EMULATE AS AN ADULT ARE DERIVED FROM HOW YOU FELT IN THE FIRST FEW YEARS OF LIFE. Our thoughts and actions are shaped by the way you were attached to your primary caregivers. How can we know how well we were attached to our parents as a child? We probably will never know entirely. What our parents perceived to be healthy and attentive parenting may not have felt like it to us, and what one child perceived as the perfect amount of love may have felt dismissive to another. And unfortunately, most of us don’t have a memory bank that reaches back that far -so, the information we have to work with is dodgy at best. We can, however, look at our adult behavior and deduce whether it fits into one of three specific attachment categories. THERE ARE THREE BASIC TYPES OF ATTACHMENT, according to John Bowlby, a Psychoanalyst who studied infants and their relationships to their parents. Bowlby was interested in the dynamics that ensued when there were significant periods of separation - as well as when there was hardly any separation at all - between the child and caregivers. He guessed that these primary relationships would leave a permanent imprint that would impact the child’s ability to relate to others throughout development and into adulthood. According to this theory, much of our psychological and emotional distress is lodged deeply in our psyche, deriving from a time and place that we do not remember. So don’t be too angry at yourself if you’re on a hamster wheel of dysfunctional relationships - it’s not entirely your fault. (Not that you should sit around and blame your parents; instead, it’s more helpful to use this information to better understand yourself and help heal any old wounds you carry from infancy). Attachment Theory is useful and relevant, especially in identifying insecurities and detachments that affect our general well-being. There are three main types: ANXIOUS, AVOIDANT, AND SECURE. Of course, there’s a lot of individual variability, but most people tend to identify with one of these types. ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT STYLE: Anxiously attached people require a lot of attention. They never seem to be satisfied with the amount they are receiving and consistently want more, a need driven by the devastating fear that they are not good enough. They often compare themselves with others and strive for perfection, believing that somehow this unattainable state will relieve them of ordinariness - and expendability. It is almost impossible for an anxiously attached person to fully trust anyone, and so they make a mess of romance and friendships. They are often suspicious, scared of being betrayed, and predisposed to meddling in the affairs of others. If you don’t text them back within an hour or two, they tend to take it personally; they believe that something is wrong, feel annoyed, or worry they have offended you in some way. ANXIOUSLY ATTACHED PEOPLE LIVE IN THEIR HEADS AND NOT THEIR HEARTS, which creates an unusual amount of suffering and discomfort. They just can’t seem to get out of their own way. They want more than anyone can give, and are offended if you cannot read their minds. They can be pessimistic about the possibility of long term success and prone to temper tantrums. They are often argumentative and unwilling to concede their point. People that are Anxiously attached are waiting for the other shoe to drop. They may constantly be on the verge of breaking up with their partner or friends, but they don’t go through with it because they don’t want to be left alone. Almost a quarter of all people are like this - does it remind you of anyone? * * * TO BE CONTD… SEE PART 2 * (Carder Stout, Ph.D., MFT is a Los Angeles–based Depth Psychologist and Therapist with a private practice in Brentwood, California). * * * GOOP.COM