* CONTD. FROM PART 1 *** BE VOCAL AND SPECIFIC WHILE NEGOTIATING YOUR DESIRES: By definition submissives are allowing another person to take the reigns, but that doesn't mean it should be a one-sided experience. The best scenes are uniquely pleasurable for both parties involved, whether that's happening in lifestyle play or in a professional context. Before things get started there should be a negotiation of what fantasies each party wants to explore, what is on/ off the table during play, any phobias/allergies, experience levels, and what the tone of the session should be. Being as specific as possible, or talking through your turn-ons if you’re not sure, allows everyone to get the most of it. “It’s a very big spectrum of things that can actually happen,” said Red Diamond. “As pros we have a million toys. We have so many things that we could do to you, but it makes it really hard when you’re not letting us know what you actually desire.” Know your limitations, what you’re willing to push, and understand you can always say no. BDSM involves radical conversations about consent. In the negotiation before any scene what is and isn’t acceptable should be discussed. Still, agreeing to something as a hypothetical can be very different than agreeing to something when it is actually happening to you. Just because you’re being submissive it does not under any circumstances mean you have to go through with something you don’t want. “We deal in things that most of the time people associate with danger or fear. It’s possible that dealing with those things can be good and open-hearted. It can be caring, even if on a surface level it doesn’t seem that way,” said Lady Pim. “As violent as our play can seem, it’s not coming from a place of anger or abuse… it can look like a violation of consent or even violence, but IT’S ACTUALLLY PEOPLE HOLDING UNCONDITIONAL SPACE FOR EACH OTHER TO BE THEMSELVES.” A good professional Domme will always have the interests of their subs in mind. They’ll have the proper training to deal with unexpected emotions and triggers, but even in that context it’s important to advocate for yourself, your turn-ons, and your safety. CONTINUALLY CHECK IN AND COMMUNICATE: Are you getting what you want out of your BDSM experience? Is something too painful? Not painful enough? Is something happening that you weren’t expecting? How do you feel about that? All of these are worthwhile things to be checking in with during your session. If your Domme is a naughty doctor, you can still ask them to hit harder as the sickly patient. The Dommes offer yes and no questions that give the submissive a chance to veto something in the moment without losing the flow of the scene. As a sub you can also offer up your own forms of verbal communication, or discuss other signals to use in case you’ve got something in your mouth. DON’T MISTAKE YOUR DOMME FOR YOUR THERAPIST: Being a sub can be fun, playful, and extremely BENEFICIAL TO SOME PEOPLE’S WELLNESS as an exploration of past traumas, as well as AN INTENSE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE. It’s important to be cognizant of your mental health, and in no way should submission work as a replacement for an actual health professional. * (Lady Pim, Red Diamond, and Shahrazad are on Twitter. * Graham Isador is a Toronto writer @presgang.)